I smoked, I drank (once),and if I am elected, you get free pizza

Within hours announcing my candidacy for President of the United States I received information that I may already have a campaign manager. After I heard this my hopes of winning improved by 100 percent.

Being the astute political operative that I am, I took a survey and found that of those I polled I would get 75 percent of the vote. 

To be honest I polled three people besides myself. Of all of us I would be able to count on three votes; my wife was hesitant due to the grueling schedule I might have to keep. As it looks now I would have to get up at 10 a.m. daily instead of 11 a.m., she is not sure she could deal with me and my ego for an extra hour each day.

Given the strong initial support I have had since announcing my intent to run for president I am convinced that by 2020 I will have enough support to open up a campaign office in my backyard shed and move on from there.

In an effort to make full disclosure, mainly because the older I get the more I forget, I would like to put to rest the stories about my drinking and smoking days.  First of all it is true that during my smoking days, I was ousted by my own father.  During a typical Saturday backyard barbeque he asked me if I wanted a cigar.  I responded, “No, I don’t smoke them.”

He then responded, “Then you won’t mind if I have the ones in your dresser drawer.” We then had one together, I did inhale and if I recall correctly I did enjoy it. It was such a nasty filthy habit that it only took me forty years to decide that I would never have another one.

As regards to my boozing days, I would like to set the record straight on just what happened. I had not had even one beer during my high school days. I knew if I did my dad would end up in jail for killing me. This would place an undue burden on me and my seven siblings as well as my lovely mother to support ourselves. I never wanted to risk having to work hard so I could eat more, so drinking was out. 

It was only after considerable peer pressure that after they asked me once I succumbed and had a beer. I was riding in the front seat of my friend’s car on graduation day when I finally agreed to take that first drink of beer. It is also a known fact that at the exact moment I took my first drink of beer, my dad came driving by in the opposite direction. Due to the shock of the entire incident I have not had a beer since. From then on it was only soft drinks for me. (There is a “soft drink” named Bacardi light that I do enjoy.)

To settle the question about the equality of the sexes let me just say that I have recognized, since the ninth grade, that women are better than men. I know this as a fact because in the ninth grade my English teacher reminded me on a continuing base that my sisters were much better than I was. In fact, I was told that if I was more like them my life [in her class] would be a lot easier. I have never questioned her opinion. It didn’t take me long to realize that she must have been referring to all women, so I knew that women were better than men.

I plan to conduct my campaign in the same fashion that several of the other candidates are conducting theirs. I will do my best to bring up as much old, unnecessary, irrelevant information about my opponents as I can find. To be honest I don’t have much of a platform and don’t really know how to do anything I would promise so I plan to keep the focus on the others so I don’t have to explain myself.     

I have received information that several of the candidates that ran in New Hampshire had various platforms aimed at improving life. Supposedly one of those was that if elected the candidate would provide pizza for every family in America. 

I have given serious thought to this platform and totally support it.  I honestly believe that pizza is one of the few foods that with the proper toppings, provides all the necessary food groups for a balanced diet.

In an effort to cut off the apparent criticism that this will generate from other sectors of the food industry I do support putting hot dogs, chicken and hamburger and fish on the pizza. This should be an immediate plus for me from pizza makers so they can use up all those anchovies that no one orders.

To make sure those voters who are weight challenged (I am trying to be politically correct) are not forgotten, I will provide diet sodas or Littleton tap water (I have been told this is the very best water in the area) with the pizza.

Finally, please note that no matter what opinion I have today, it is subject to change based on the polls that I never read. To make sure everyone is familiar with my daily changes I have hired a bunch of talking heads. Their only purpose is to tell you what I said and defend any position I make no matter what they really believe.

Of course if anything they say gets me in trouble after they say it, I will tell the press that I never said it and that I will fire any talking head that says otherwise. In order to maintain my reputation with the talking heads I will find them another job with my campaign or someone else’s. It is my opinion that it is sad to waste a double-talking, reverse thinking, position-changing straight talking person who always knows what the voters want to hear before they ask the voters.  

Finally, for those of you who may think I may not get elected and want to jump ship, keep in mind that there are far more pizza eaters in this country than any other group. I feel no matter what else I say the thought of free pizza for everyone will bring me more than enough votes to get elected.

Unlike some campaigns that are running out of money I will never have this problem. With more than two billion places in this country I will get more than enough money when they find out that the government will pay for the pizzas they supply under the cost plus agreement for preferred government contracts.

I will keep you informed as to how my campaign is going, right now I have to take a nap, I’ve been up for three hours and I’m exhausted. I don’t have the money for a campaign bus and getting from place to place using my walker is tiring.  

If you would like to support my run for the president please check out my Website at:

Emeryforpresidentassoonashegetsenoughvotestomakehiswifehappy.com