Talking heads, political ‘experts’ are a treat to watch

There are a very insignificant number of people who watch the cable television talking heads shows. Depending on the week and the program fewer than three out of 1,000 people spend part of their day with these purveyors of dubious truth. I am one of the three people who make up the statistic.

In a normal 24 hour period I will spend some time on CNN, FOX News or MSNBC getting the viewpoint of as many people as I can. I spend more time on one channel than I do on the other three, but for now it is not worth revealing which one. For now I’ll only say it has news in the title.   

I used to watch it on a semi-regular basis, but from the last mid-term elections until now I spend far too much time keeping track of the ups and downs of the candidates. Up until about a month before the first votes were cast in Iowa, it was okay to follow various candidates’ representatives. There were clear front runners and a clearer number of people behind them.   

After the first caucuse and primary the original lineup has changed.  With the change of the candidates the host of the various shows have changed the commentators, advisors and political experts and candidate representatives on the shows.

One thing that has not changed is that those of you who do not watch these shows are missing out on some of the best comedy on TV.

The comedy is in how these people can change what they say on a daily basis depending on what their candidate says or does. It makes no difference what has changed, these experts(?) can tell you why and how their candidate will still be the best person to vote for. In addition, they always seem to know what the public means or wants to know. 

The commentator may ask, “Mr. Representative in the last election 95 percent of the voters voted for a bill to stop studying the winter habits of the housefly. Your boss still ignores the public’s vote, can you tell me why?”

Response, “Well Mr. Host, the public doesn’t really want us to stop the study they want us to find a way to stop the fly from irritating them. If we can do that they would be more than glad to continue the study.”

The hosts of the shows are not always former reporters and in some cases they are not even close to being an expert, some of them are no more than political pretenders. They think they know what they are talking about, but all they are really doing is “re-gifting” someone else’s ideas for their own use. No matter how you package it or what you label them they amuse me with some of their ridiculous questions and the answers to them.

One of my favorites is when a candidate is low in the presidential polls; they ask if they are in the running for the vice presidential spot. To begin with if the candidate says yes, he or she is really telling people that they don’t even think they are qualified for the presidency. So there is only one answer to the question - no. 

This is one of the most asked ridiculous questions. Most of the questions do not quite reach that level, but many of them are still ridiculous.    

It makes no difference how ridiculous the question is the candidates representative will use the question as a way to say something, to make sure their candidate has as much free air time as possible. I am always amused at how the candidates talking heads, answer the questions. No matter what they are asked they respond by either ignoring the question or finding some way to put a positive spin on it for their candidate.

It has gone so far that I feel if someone were to say them, “Your candidate murdered a neighbor when he was younger, how do you deal with that now?”

Reply, “Well that is an important question, but what people really want to know is what my candidate will do now to help them?”

Or the representative may say, “You know you can’t really call it murder.”  “What he did was take a difficult situation and find a solution to it, my candidate is a decision maker, unlike my opponent who never seems to make a decision. Do you want to elect someone who can’t make a decision or someone who will take a risk and make the decision?”

Host, “How do you address the problem that your candidate’s actions left a widow and three kids with no income and no home?”

Reply, “I’m glad you asked that question. My candidate has provided this family with more opportunities and solutions than they ever knew they had.”  “My candidate has always supported a women’s right to better herself outside the home. In today’s society we know that women are the backbone of the home, but the latest polls show that more women than ever want to work outside the home as well.” 

“My candidate has drafted legislation that will enable her to not only work outside the home, but we will provide educational day care for her kids in a less stressful environment than they were in before.” 

“What my candidate did was make it possible for all of them to realize their greatest potential which otherwise would probably not have been possible.”

Host, “Lastly, the polls show that because your candidate killed his neighbor that most Americans would not support him.”

Reply, “I think you are over looking one of the key polls that show of the convicted felons that are now allowed to vote, my candidate leads by an overwhelming 90 percent.”  “In addition polls of people who can’t stand their neighbors reveal that my candidate leads by 70 percent to 25 percent with 5 percent undecided.”

“I think what your poll is really showing is that while at some level they may not totally agree with my candidate they are pleased that he took decisive action and by doing so let people know that in his neighborhood, bad neighbors are not wanted.” 

“Finally, I think when all is said and done on Election Day you will find that there is a strong undercurrent of voters who may outwardly say it was wrong, but when they get into the voting booth will say we understand why you did it and I have wanted to do the same thing so you’ll get my vote.”

Host, “Well, I really thank you for clearing that up.”

Take a minute and tune into some of the best comedy you’ll find now that the writers are on strike. 

Maurice Emery is the Editor Emeritus of The Littleton Observer. In addition to regular news coverage for the paper, he also writes a weekly column.

Check out his blog at www.athoughtortwo.com

Read and share his past columns with your friend at www.athoughtortwo.com